


It's You

by joohoney (infinitethe8)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gender Issues, Lim Changkyun | I.M-centric, Minor Son Hyunwoo | Shownu/Yoo Kihyun
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-09 11:57:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16449503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infinitethe8/pseuds/joohoney
Summary: A simple cover changes Changkyun's life.Or the story of how Changkyun learned to accept what they've denied for so long.TW: This story deals with gender issues and gender dysphoria.





	It's You

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from the song lyric, "If you run away, it's you" from the song I'm So Afraid by Holland.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breath, it's you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first Monsta x fic so I hope it's good. Enjoy!

Changkyun stares at his reflection in the mirror. He's standing only a few feet away from the mirrors in the practice room, yet it doesn't _feel_ real. He watches the fabric of his skirt sway as he moves, unable to comprehend that it's _him._  The outfit, the _skirt_ , compliments him so well, almost as if it was _natural._

He looks... _pretty._

There should be alarms going off in his head, something -- _anything,_ that warns him, that what he's feeling is wrong. Instead, there is silence. All of the negative, overwhelming thoughts that consume him on a regular, seem to have disappeared. He feels at ease, his mind blank and his body compliant.

He can remember vividly how the other members reacted when management told them that they would have to cross dress.

 _It's only for the girl group dances,_ their manager had said, _It shouldn't be more than five minutes._

Hyungwon had grumbled, saying that he didn't get paid enough for this. Kihyun had sighed in resignation while Jooheon whined. No one seemed to be happy about the news, well no one expect Wonho.

But then again, Wonho was always happy.

Changkyun had felt a shiver of fear run up his spine when they had told him the news. He wasn't afraid of people's reactions, cross dressing and dancing to girl groups was almost expected at this point.

No, his biggest fear was that all of the feelings he had been trying to suppress for so long would arise again.

Changkyun remembers the time he asked his mother why _he_ couldn't wear _girl_ clothes. Even at seven years old, the idea that clothes had a gender, seemed silly to him.

His mother hadn't agreed. She had scolded him, looking around to make sure that no one had heard what he said. She gave him a long lecture about what what was right, about what was _normal,_  about how he was a _boy_ and not a girl.

He never asked again.

Changkyun buried those feelings away, hoping that by ignoring them, they would go away.

But as he stares at himself in a wig that fits him _too_ well, and a skirt that seems to be made exactly for him, they begin to break free to the surface. Every feeling, every thought he shoved away comes back to him until he can't think of anything else.

He doesn't want to be a girl, he swears to himself. But...he doesn't want to be a guy either. He doesn't _know_ what being a guy meant. What is he suppose to feel?

He feels silly and confused.  What made someone a girl? Who defined what male or female meant?

For as long as Changkyun has been alive, he's just been _him._

He doesn't mind being called a guy, at least not all the time. He tries to ignore the times he felt unease and discomfort when someone called him a “handsome boy.”

He takes a deep breath as his insides churn with anxiety. _It's okay,_ he tells himself, _it's okay._

 _It’s not,_ a voice in his head says, _you shouldn't be feeling this. It’s not normal._

Changkyun tightens his hold on the skirt. He shouldn't feel comfortable wearing it. He shouldn't admire his reflection, as if for once, he finally felt at peace with himself. He shouldn't feel whole and complete because of a simple piece of clothing and fake hair. He really shouldn’t feel happy looking like someone that he’s not. He shouldn’t want to be anything but male. He _shouldn’t._

But then, why does he?

Why does he want to wear clothes society deemed female? Why does he want someone to touch his hair and dote on him? Why does he want someone to call him a pretty _girl._  

 _It’s because you’re not normal,_  the voice whispers once again, _you’re a freak._

Changkyun feels the tears fall down his face. He hiccups, glad that he's alone and no one can see how embarrassing he looks right now. He clutches his skirt as his vision blurs and his mind becomes a cruel mess of vicious thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked chapter 1! I also just want to clarify that I'm not cis so these feelings are coming from my own experience, and everyone's experience is different! I don't mean to generalize or portray something wrong. Anyway, I'll go work on chapter 2! Have a good day!


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